Your greatest responsibility is to love yourself and to know that you are enough.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on

I give up. I’m over 70 kilos, 1.63cm and I’m not comfortable in my clothes, and more importantly, I’m not comfortable under my skin. My self esteem ebbs and flows but I think it’s generally pretty healthy. Could be stronger, but hey, I’m going to give myself a break where I can.

I am a full 10 kilos heavier than I was 2 years ago, and I can’t shake it. I haven’t gained weight this week but I haven’t lost any. I am getting older, 30 plus 8 now, and my body is changing, inside and out. My metabolism was never fast but it’s even slower now. My waist is thicker, I have a new little paunch I don’t find particularly cute, and my boobs change dramatically from week to week depending on my cycle. Actually I don’t mind that so much, especially since upon weaning my youngest 4 wish years ago, they suddenly resembled deflated water balloons- “They will regenerate!” my mum reassured me- she was right. These days, a dress that shows a little bit of respectable cleavage one day can look downright obscene the next and prompt calls of “Inappropriate mummy!” from Miss M and “Ooooh I can see your boobies!” from a delighted, very handsy Miss A.

There’s a lot I love about my body. But I’m tired of trying to outsmart my conditioning, outrun my past, and silence the nagging voice that harasses me and my reflection. So I am going to accept that this conditioning and this society is a part of who I am. I am going to try to accept this about myself, with love and compassion, rather than resentment and sadness. I know I will feel better physically, emotionally and mentally once I get some of this excess padding off. I’ll put some energy into doing that seriously rather than all my energy into trying not to care and hating myself because I know I do.

Mum and dad are launching themselves into the 5:2 Michael Mosley fasting diet. I have decided to join them in something approximating this. I haven’t read all the details about it yet but the crux of it will be this.

-Favour a meditteranean style diet

-Eat normally for 5 days as above, and fast for 2 non-consecutive days a week (Monday and Thursday I think) consuming around 800 calories

-Combine this with time-restricted eating- 12/12- i.e have 12 hours between your last meal and your first…

I tried the time restricting element last night, as I really love that after 8-10 hours without food our fat burning drive increases massively. Giving my body a free pass to burn fat with just a little more discipline on my part rather than grinding through 2 hours at the gym seems like a no-brainer. I’ve gotta say, waiting until after 8 this morning to eat and drink was actually pretty easy. I struggled to order my coffee, though, as my brain became increasingly overwhelmed by the grumbling of my stomach. I did also order fruit toast which I would not normally do…. will have to work on that. But I did have it with lemon curd. They have lemons in the mediterranean right??

So wish me luck as I surrender to a part of my self that needs nonjudgmental acknowledgment and action. Wish me luck as I negotiate the shame I feel from judging myself in this way, not to mention the hypocrisy, as I try to teach my young girls to love their beautiful soft and supple developing bodies, hearts and minds- as they are.

Love, light, and a good dose of reality x

Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR on

3 thoughts on “Surrender

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