Bittersweet

The dress fits once more.

I reached a milestone today. Finally, I can enjoy wearing this beautiful dress again, after 7 weeks of intermittent fasting and exercise to shed the 10 excess kilos that have crept on over the past 2 years. Today I’m 70.1kg, down from 74.6kg at the start of these concerted efforts. I’m feeling so much more comfortable in my skin these days, and I’m happy to be making positive changes. Yet today, I feel weary.

A couple of late shifts followed by early morning runs amidst a heatwave no doubt have something to do with this. But I know myself better than that. A year ago I slid this same dress on, only to find the buttons popping as my swollen breasts began to take on that unmistakable form, preparing to feed our baby who never came. I haven’t been able to wear it since. Today, all those painfully mixed emotions hit me hard, knowing that Christmas Eve will mark one year since saying goodbye, not only to that little soul but to the plans we thought we had.

I still don’t know what I want those plans to be. I see-saw between yes no and maybe on a daily basis. All I know for sure is how blessed we are in this life. Do we really want to push our luck and roll the dice on devoting ourselves to another little human to cherish when our hands and hearts are already full with 2 angels?

I just don’t know. But I’m desperate to put the endless questioning to bed once and for all. I can’t do that yet, so I’ll focus on what I can do. I can write. Then I can prepare the ballet bags for this afternoon’s classes. I can feed myself. I can hang out the washing and vacuum the floor. But before that, I can close my eyes, and put myself to bed, just long enough to honour the loss and weather the uncertainty as life marches on.

Happy Monday, with much love.

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